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New University Binge Drinking Study: It Fucking Rocks
Published Thursday, October 06, 2005 by Gaëtan | E-mail this post
MONTREAL, QC- Contrary to recent reports of binge drinking being harmful to the average student, a new report released by Mcgill University reports that binge drinking kicks ass.
The report outlines a recent survey in which 200 students were asked to participate in a massive kegger party and relate their experiences back to the professor. To truly embrace the binge drinking experience, Dr. Mark Reynolds and his assistant William Dawson also participated in the study.
(from left) Sheri Machray, Britney Deriew,
and some drunk chick get hammered.
"I was semi-reuctant to participate in the study with Dr. Reynolds, but after I saw him funnel three beers and have him call me a pussy, I decided it was within my best intrest to get completely shitfaced," said Dawson, 31. "After five hits of the beer bong and throwing up all over someone's couch, I knew at that moment that binge drinking absolutely kicked some major ass."
Dr. Reynolds (in green) and assistant William Dawson
(far right) participate in kegger festivities.
The report outlines a recent survey in which 200 students were asked to participate in a massive kegger party and relate their experiences back to the professor. To truly embrace the binge drinking experience, Dr. Mark Reynolds and his assistant William Dawson also participated in the study.
(from left) Sheri Machray, Britney Deriew,
and some drunk chick get hammered.
"I was semi-reuctant to participate in the study with Dr. Reynolds, but after I saw him funnel three beers and have him call me a pussy, I decided it was within my best intrest to get completely shitfaced," said Dawson, 31. "After five hits of the beer bong and throwing up all over someone's couch, I knew at that moment that binge drinking absolutely kicked some major ass."
Dr. Reynolds (in green) and assistant William Dawson
(far right) participate in kegger festivities.
"I have concluded," said Dr. Reynolds during the bash, "that beer is the nectar of the fucking Gods!"
In the survey conducted the following morning 57% of those who participated said that they would "never drink again", while 30% percent said they had "huge motherfucking headaches". 10% of those surveyed said they "needed aonther beer to keep up thier buzz" and 3% were still passed out.
"There was this one time after me and Mr. Dawson and some of the guys had like, 10 shots of Jack Daniels and went over to the dean's office to conduct more experiments, so we got there and pissed all over the building and then I took a shit right in his parking spot," said Dr. Reynolds. "I can't wait to analyze my findings of when he sees that Monday morning."
Participant Joseph Green, 19, said he had "the best time of my fucking life," during the study. "This is the best study ever! and I love this Dr. Rayman guy! Shit man, I would take the bullet for him!"
The study comes after several articles were written in Canadian mgazines that reportedly outlined the grevious effects of binge drinking such as "Violence, vandalism, sexual assault, unprotected sexual encounters with the risk of unplanned pregnancy or infection from sexually transmitted diseases."
"I found the findings in these magazines to be untrue and were in general a load of bullshit," says Dr. Reynolds. "One of my most major findings is that the freshmen at McGill are fucking pussies, they can't even hold their own drinking with us."
"But primarily, binge drinking kicks ass and everyone should do it, but my findings are incomplete so another study will be held next Friday."
Those who are interested in participating in the study next friday should show up at 7:30 at douglas Hall residency, and "bring a 40 of something."
In the survey conducted the following morning 57% of those who participated said that they would "never drink again", while 30% percent said they had "huge motherfucking headaches". 10% of those surveyed said they "needed aonther beer to keep up thier buzz" and 3% were still passed out.
"There was this one time after me and Mr. Dawson and some of the guys had like, 10 shots of Jack Daniels and went over to the dean's office to conduct more experiments, so we got there and pissed all over the building and then I took a shit right in his parking spot," said Dr. Reynolds. "I can't wait to analyze my findings of when he sees that Monday morning."
Participant Joseph Green, 19, said he had "the best time of my fucking life," during the study. "This is the best study ever! and I love this Dr. Rayman guy! Shit man, I would take the bullet for him!"
The study comes after several articles were written in Canadian mgazines that reportedly outlined the grevious effects of binge drinking such as "Violence, vandalism, sexual assault, unprotected sexual encounters with the risk of unplanned pregnancy or infection from sexually transmitted diseases."
"I found the findings in these magazines to be untrue and were in general a load of bullshit," says Dr. Reynolds. "One of my most major findings is that the freshmen at McGill are fucking pussies, they can't even hold their own drinking with us."
"But primarily, binge drinking kicks ass and everyone should do it, but my findings are incomplete so another study will be held next Friday."
Those who are interested in participating in the study next friday should show up at 7:30 at douglas Hall residency, and "bring a 40 of something."
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