CHINA- Why did the chicken cross the road? To kill a family of chinese merchants of course.

It has been reported by Asian news sources that last week a chicken from a nearby town crossed a road and entered a small merchant household, killing all 3 people within a week. Authorities have taken the chicken in for questioning, but have been running out of investigators because each and every interrogator who has attempted to speak to the chicken has come down with a case of avian flu as well.

"This chicken will stop at nothing before our whole department is dead," said chief of police Eddie Zhang. "He'll be the death of us all!"

Darwantist theorists have long speculated that the avian flu is a way to get rid of some chinese people because "there are too many damn people in that country." The country eclipsed the 1 billion mark moths ago in a highly publicized birth.

The chicken will eventually be put to death and hopefully in the United States KFC market in a couple of weeks.

DAYTON, OR- A woman identified as Sally Hester snapped yesterday over the reported failure of a history test. The 45 year-old mother of two went nuts after her son Damian came home with an "F" on a test about the founding fathers.


"I came home and she asked me how school was, so I sad 'fine,' and went up to my room, leaving my bag open on the ground," said Damien, 14-year-old student of East Grove High. "That turned out to be a mistake 'cause she came bursting into my room soon after, yelling at the top of her lungs and holding the test I had left in my bag. So I went into ignore mode and tuned everything out, but I think she said something about 'responsibility' or some shit."

Mrs. Hester became even more enraged when her son suggested it "wasn't such a big deal" and that he'd failed two tests before this one. "At that point I was tired of looking blankly at her so I put on my headphones and blasted some Metallica to drown her out," he said. "So she finally left and I thought her little tantrum had been avoided successfully."


Laryn, Damien's 15-year-old sister from accross the hall, said she heard everything. "I remember sitting in my room and hearing my mom yell something about Benjamin Franklin not even being a founding father and my brother not even being American or something," she said. "Then she shouted something like 'I have no son' before she stormed out of the room and I beleive attempting to break his skateboard with her fist. She failed misreably and stormed down the steps, I thought I heard some picture frames fall to the ground."

The situation only escalted when Sally's husband Leonard came home and had yet again forgotten to pick up dinner at Swiss Chalet. The rotisserie chicken dinner with ceasar salad and dinner rolls was a weekly way of taking some burden off of Sally's shoulders.


"I came home expecting a loving wife, but what I got was a complete monster," said Leonard Hester, 46. "I comically suggested she should take a chill pill, you know, to lighten the mood a bit, boy was that a bad decision. She went into the kitchen and started breaking all these dishes yelling something about 'an ingrate for a husband' and 'never getting orgasms during sex', I just stood there in shock."

Mrs. Hester then took the keys to the family car and took off, yelling something about Florida on her way out. "I guess that means I'm not getting any tonight."

WINNIPEG, MB- After several highway collisions in the south end of Winnipeg yesterday morning, leading fog experts have concluded that fog in fact reduces visibility.

"We've been studying fog for over two decades and finally realized by chance yesterday morning on the perimiter that our fog was the cause of reduced visiblity," said Dr. Albert Fontana. "I'm just so glad we discovered this ahead of the San Fransiscan or Maratime researchers," he said.


The team of scientists also concluded yesterday that fog is compsed of small water droplets instead of what they had previouly predicted, spirits from people who had died under suspicious circumstances.

"What we thought was a blanket of spirits with unfinished is merely condensation that actually bears a striking resemblance to what we know as 'clouds', except on the ground."

NEW ORLEANS- After the desertion and arrest of hundreds of police officers, the New Orleans Police Department is looking elsewhere for recruits.

"Right now we have about 57 registered sex offenders patrolling downtown streets with our other officers, 30 of which are on Bourbon street," said newly appointed commissioner and convicted killer Dennis Rader. "This place is a mess, so we're looking for anyone to fill the vacant spots on our force."


Rappers Dr. Dre and The Game have been assigned new positions as the heads of the Gang Crimes Unit. "Since we came into power, East Coast rapper affiliated gang violence is down 327%," said Dre. "We killed every last one of those...I mean, pushed them niggas right outta town," says Game.

Marijuana has almost completely been wiped off the streets since Snoop Dogg was appointed the head of Narcotics.


"We've appointed convicted theives to guard department stores and banks, but the prevalence of theft related crime continues to rise dramatically each day," said Rader, former BTK killer. "I'm not sure what we're doing wrong here." When asked of the apparent rise of murder victims being found bound and tortured, Rader said he had "no idea muders were still being commited in the city."

Crack hoes have been assigned street light duty and general clean up, while convicted felon Martha Stewart has been called in to "gussy up" the city. "The browns and greys of dirt and grabage are the colours to die for this fall," she said. "I have no idea why you want me to change anything."

Any convicted arsonists or vandals should contact the New Orleans Fire Department, as they has well have been suffering staff shortages. Anybody else wanting to join the NOPD should contact Dennis Rader as soon as possible.

TYLER'S HOUSE- Two drunk fucks went on a rampage at tyler's house on friday night saturday morning. Fuck.



They had a fuckin triple shot of rhum in tyler's basement and fucking posted on livejournal fucks man and they toatlly fucke dup ltheirt liveh\journakls and couldn't type worth shoit and then theyw atche girls gone wile d and fucking shit man.

"I am so fuckign drunk," said gaetan harris saturday morning. "gman I'm serious people are going to read that shit," said tyler as well on saturday morning. "Quit typing that man, we are too fucking drunk to be typing shit," he said as well.


"Holy shit weare so ddrunk right now it's not even funy fuck am n," said the drunk fuck at the comp,. "Oh fuck it'ds four am shit," said tyler.

"******* is gone G what I am gouing to do?!"

Let the record stand that binge drinking fucking rocks.

WASHINGTON, DC- President George W. Bush surprised the country today by retracting his nomination of Harriet Miers to the supreme court and nominating instead, a chicken.

The American public, obviously shocked at his decision, thought is was probably for the best anyway.


"I think this chicken will do so much for our country, and I will back this chicken's decisions all the way," said Latisha Smith, a local restauraunt owner. "Hell I would even vote him into office."

"I've never heard of this chicken but I know that Harriet Miers was a bit iffy," said newly-appointed Justice John Roberts. "This chicken will do a better job than Harriet Miers ever could, and he's definately more comptetant."

The chicken, nicknamed Senõr Pecker by his former New Mexican owner, Alejandro Sanchez was a former participant in cock-fights in seedy Roswell bars.


"The chicken, he cannot fight no more," says Sanchez. "Every night I try to win money with him, but he too slow to even peck out opponent's eyes. So go to restaurant and I say 'hey, you want chicken? I give to you for free,' but nobody want him. Even KFC not want him."

At the announcement of his new nomination, president Bush was already praising his choice.

"Senõr Pecker here has been through 458 cock-fights in his lifetime. You show me another person, animal or inatimate object better than him, and I'll nominate them too," he said. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the finest cock in the United States of America, and soon he will be the finest supreme court judge as well. We had a pit-bull in size six shoes before, now we have a cock fighter wearing none."


When questioned about Senõr Pecker's experience in law by a reporter from the New York times, Bush answered: "Mam, there are people dying for our country in Iraq every day. They're making the sacrifice for a country that they beleive in, and you're questioning his qualifications? If you don't think that this magnificent cock should be in the supreme court, then you must be anti-American."

The senate is expected to accept the President's nomination sometime next week.

MONTREAL, QC- Contrary to recent reports of binge drinking being harmful to the average student, a new report released by Mcgill University reports that binge drinking kicks ass.

The report outlines a recent survey in which 200 students were asked to participate in a massive kegger party and relate their experiences back to the professor. To truly embrace the binge drinking experience, Dr. Mark Reynolds and his assistant William Dawson also participated in the study.


"I was semi-reuctant to participate in the study with Dr. Reynolds, but after I saw him funnel three beers and have him call me a pussy, I decided it was within my best intrest to get completely shitfaced," said Dawson, 31. "After five hits of the beer bong and throwing up all over someone's couch, I knew at that moment that binge drinking absolutely kicked some major ass."

WINNIPEG, MB- "Oh boy ya better beleive it's time to repent ya sins," says professional tarot card reader Miss Cleo. "It's the end times don't ya know, all them white flakes gotta mean something."


Earlier this morning in the fury of whipping winds and occasinal downpours, white flakes started falling from the sky, sometimes in bunches. Drivers, surpried and amazed by this phenomena lost control of their vehicles trying to get a better glimpse, causing hundreds of fender benders and accidents accross the city.

Scientician Gordon Fren was called upon to shed some light upon the situation. He said the last time white flakes came falling from the sky, is when the dinosaurs went extinct. "This is definately an apocalyptic event here people, time to loot, rape and pillage all you can," he said. When asked if this was a good time to crack open each other's heads and feast upon the goo inside, he said it "probably is the best time, if ever."


Jesus Christ, in town for the shooting of this new film "The Passion 2: Crucify This", decided it was probably for the best if he left town. "Look, you guys are probably going to be dropping down to hell anytime soon, and I can't really be there cause we have to finish some chase scenes, but good luck with that," he said.


"Meteorlogists" in Winnipeg suggest what we are seeing is something called "snow" which is basically a frozen form of rain. But others are turning to the most reliable source in tarot card reading, Miss Cleo. "Disater is in the cards for you child, so ya better live life right now and spend $8.99 a minute talking to Miss Cleo," she said. "If you want to find the love of your life before we all fry, you have to call me right now."

Miss Cleo has set up a number especially for Winnipeg, until of course we all burn, at 1-800-end-time.

NEW YORK, NY- The McDonalds corporation is being sued over an apparant act of public mastication at their Times Square location in New York.

Elderly British tourists Beverly and Robert McAffery were walking by the famed location of the chain when the alleged act took place.
"We were just walking by the restaurant when a boy came out, masticating right in front of us," said Mrs. McAffery of the incident. "I just couldn't believe what had just happened, so I turned to Bob to express my revolt when I caught a glimpse of inside the restaurant, it was horrible..."she said, tears streaming down her face. "And there it was, the largest act of group mastication we had ever seen."

"They were even helping each other masticate, mothers and fathers helping their children...at one point a man put a french fry in a woman's mouth and sat there and watched her masticate," said Mr. McAffery. "Never have I seen such a thing in my life. We thought Americans had a bit more decency than that."

WINNIPEG, MB- Blogger Gaetan Harris has defied all odds and decided to post a bit of real news on his blog site. In a move that shocked the internet world, Harris confirmed that "sometimes there will be real news on the site." This comes after last night's unveiling of a new icon for the blog yesterday evening that left a keyboard dead by molten cheese, and a fan mising and presumed soiled.

The news is purportedly related to the newest Harry Potter movie and its producers as well as two musicians being sued over the name of a band in the film.

From Sympatico/MSN

• The Wyrd Sisters, a Winnipeg folk band, are suing Jarvis Cocker, 2/5 of Radiohead and Warner Brothers for a trademark infringement related to the new Harry Potter movie...

  Here's the problem: In J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire there's a band of wizards called The Wyrd Sisters, who play at the Hogwarts Yule Ball. In the movie, due out November 18, Cocker, Selway and Greenwood play these rock 'n' roll wizards, originally under the same name.

  Of course, this pissed off the Juno-nominated Wyrd Sisters. Singer and band co-founder Kim Baryluk says if their name is used in the Harry Potter movie it'll mean the end for these folkies.

See the whole story for the scoop and also check out the front page of the Winnipeg Free Press.

INTERNET- In a surprise move, blogger Gaetan Harris or "ennervation", has unveiled a new logo for his site.

Under speculation for several hours, the only fan of his site sat on pins and needles pressing F5 every five seconds to refresh the page to see if he had created a new logo.


"I sat in my seat for 3 hours, just refreshing the page. I even needed to use my drawer to pee in because I didn't want to miss it," said the fan, who wished to remain anonymous. "But nothing seemed to be happening. So I got my mom to bring me some nachos, and all of a sudden it happened. I got so excited I spilled molten cheese all over my keyboard," he said. "I lost control of my bowels, but I didn't care, this has been the best day of my life!"

There has not been any word on the condition of the keyboard, but preliminary reports are not very optimistic. Updates will be posted as they come.

KANSAS CITY, MO- The Kansas City Royals did what they said they would do last night, ending their season 50 games under .500.

Critics said they would never sink that low, but the Royals were determined to make their mark.

"I didn't think they could actually do it, but boy did they shut me up," said FOX Sports announcer Joe Buck after the 7-2 loss to the Blue Jays. "They showed everyone in baseball and the sportsworld that when they say they can do something, they'll do it."

WINNIPEG, MB- A man reportedly trying to show off his "mad skillz" in an online computer game at the University of Manitoba was told to "shut the fuck up" on Monday morning.

The 29 year old, Identified as Shawn Cooke, was not physically injured in the incident but remains pwnt in the aftermath.

"I'm sitting here trying to finish a ten page philosophy paper, and these assholes next to me are playing Quake or some shit," said the pwner, who wished not to be identified. "So I turned to the guy and told him firmly, "Shut the fuck up before I pound your face in.""

Cooke, visibly shaken from the incident, remarked that he had "never experienced anything like this," and adding that "my parents usually just shut the door to the basement."


Shawn Cooke after pwning n00bs in the basement of his parents' St. Vital home.

"This is worse than the time I overclocked my CPU and crashed my rig," says Cooke. "This is probably the reason I can't get a girlfriend, because I keep getting pwnt in public."

Cooke, an 8th year computer science major, hasn't had a real conversation with a girl besides his mother since "Betty Crosby called me a pervert in grade seven."

"I try to talk to girls in chatrooms, but they turn out to be guys screwing with me, so I just go back to my porn site and talk to a picture of Jenna Jameson."

When asked why it has taken him so long to finish his major he said that "the real world gave him asthma attacks" and he was trying to keep as far away from it as possible.

It remains to be seen how the copy of Quake came to be on that particular computer, but the computer deparment is investigating. They say it may take weeks to find out due to Cooke's "l33t hax0r skills."