NEW ORLEANS- After the desertion and arrest of hundreds of police officers, the New Orleans Police Department is looking elsewhere for recruits.

"Right now we have about 57 registered sex offenders patrolling downtown streets with our other officers, 30 of which are on Bourbon street," said newly appointed commissioner and convicted killer Dennis Rader. "This place is a mess, so we're looking for anyone to fill the vacant spots on our force."


Rappers Dr. Dre and The Game have been assigned new positions as the heads of the Gang Crimes Unit. "Since we came into power, East Coast rapper affiliated gang violence is down 327%," said Dre. "We killed every last one of those...I mean, pushed them niggas right outta town," says Game.

Marijuana has almost completely been wiped off the streets since Snoop Dogg was appointed the head of Narcotics.


"We've appointed convicted theives to guard department stores and banks, but the prevalence of theft related crime continues to rise dramatically each day," said Rader, former BTK killer. "I'm not sure what we're doing wrong here." When asked of the apparent rise of murder victims being found bound and tortured, Rader said he had "no idea muders were still being commited in the city."

Crack hoes have been assigned street light duty and general clean up, while convicted felon Martha Stewart has been called in to "gussy up" the city. "The browns and greys of dirt and grabage are the colours to die for this fall," she said. "I have no idea why you want me to change anything."

Any convicted arsonists or vandals should contact the New Orleans Fire Department, as they has well have been suffering staff shortages. Anybody else wanting to join the NOPD should contact Dennis Rader as soon as possible.