CANADA- A study released yesterday by Health Canada reveals that being stabbed multiple times may be detrimental to your health.

Dr. Albert Farnsworth, who personally participated in the study, tabled the results yesterday afternoon at a press conference.

“It seems that in the process of being stabbed with a sharp object, such as a knife or sharpened stick, the subject’s organs may become slightly damaged,” he said. “There is however no way to know why exactly the organs become damaged in the first place, whether it is a product of the stabbing or an internal reaction to stress.”

Farnsworth says that during the course of his personal study, blood loss was his chief symptom of concern.

“The wounds produced by a sharp object, be it the sharpened edge of a candy cane or taxidermied beak of a chicken, resulted in massive blood loss from several of the subjects including myself,” said Farnsworth. “We concluded during these clinical trials that blood loss isn’t a good thing either.”

While researchers aren’t certain of all the detrimental effects of multiple stab wounds, the study concludes that Canadian citizens should avoid being stabbed until further notice.

Harold Wright, a 22-year-old participant in the study, says being stabbed repeatedly “hurt like hell.”

“I was a test subject in the broken beer bottle tests, and let me tell you, it’s not all sunshine and lollypops,” said Wright. “My left lung was somehow punctured, and I had no idea we needed both these things to breathe properly until my own blood started pooling at the bottom of my lung.”

When asked if he would recommend being stabbed multiple times Wright said: “I would have before, but after this study, probably not.”

The Community Voice


By Will Staples

Seriously dude, I just ate one of your brownies, and I’m really freaking out. My stomach is feeling all weird and stuff…wait, did you put drugs in these?

Jesus Murphy I told you to keep your special brownies in your goddamn room so that I wouldn’t eat one by accident. Now I fucking did, great. What did you put in the brownies? Pot? Hash? Mushrooms? Wait, don’t answer that, I’ll just ask the ninja turtle sitting across from me.

Shit, now I’m seeing a ninja turtle sitting across from me. Which one? God I don’t know dude, which is the one with the red bandanna? Rafael, yeah that’s it. He was a total asshole in the TV show. Like, Leonardo was all cool and he carried two huge three-foot swords on his back all the time, I mean, how bad ass is that? Then there was Donatello, I mean he had the brains, you know, he’d be able to solve all types of shit, like MacGyver or something. And then fucking Michelangelo, yeah he was the best; Always cracking jokes while he kicked Shredder’s ass. But then there was Raf, he was always so goddamn bitter, like he had one of his kitanas shoved up his ass the whole time. You know what was the best thing about that show though? They had pizza all the time.

Pizza. Holy shit does that ever sound good. We should order like, seven pizzas, just like the ninja turtles did; with anchovies and marshmallows and stuff. Yeah.

Can you tell the fridge to stop singing David Bowie songs? I’m just really uneasy right now and I wish he would just shut the fuck up. Listen, I really need to know what you put in those things though…does the room always pulsate this much? Goddamnit now the walls are bleeding again, and you know I’m the one who’s gonna have to clean that shit up come tomorrow morning.

All right fine. If you’re going to be an asshole about this, I’m gonna just fly to England and ask Keith Richards, that dude’s been on everything. Can you call my boss and tell him I won’t be back for several thousand years? Thanks.

Winnipeg- Winnipeg Fake News blogger Gaetan Harris has turned up in a city area hotel after a one and a half year hiatus. He claims to have lost "the shit" that is needed to write hilarious fake news.

"I guess somewhere down the road I just lost it," says the blogger, his speech slurred. "Must have been when I got hammered last April."


It has been widely speculated that Harris had been hiding out in a Uni-Bomber style shack in the Himalayas, playing Monopoly with the resident Yeti. Surrounded by back issues of Archie Comics, it has also been speculated he entertained the Dalai Lama regularly every Wednesday night.

"I haven't seen him in two weeks," says Mr. Lama. "He probably went back to try writing more stuff for his hilarious blog that he abandoned for eternal inner peace. That's good to hear, that stuff makes me laugh my ass off," he said.

Harris abandoned his blog in April 2006 after publishing a tear-jerkingly funny opinion piece about a businessman trying to get his morning cup of joe. After breaking into the Kokanee brewery in BC and having one hell of a party, he disappeared, leaving only a short note to his family.

"Getting the hell out of dodge," read the note. "Please send pizza pockets."

Since returning, Harris has reportedly enlisted himself in a program at Red River College, despite his drinking problem and habit of kleptomania. It has been speculated that Fake News will return now that his program requires him to write a whole hell of a lot.