The Community Voice


By Will Staples

Seriously dude, I just ate one of your brownies, and I’m really freaking out. My stomach is feeling all weird and stuff…wait, did you put drugs in these?

Jesus Murphy I told you to keep your special brownies in your goddamn room so that I wouldn’t eat one by accident. Now I fucking did, great. What did you put in the brownies? Pot? Hash? Mushrooms? Wait, don’t answer that, I’ll just ask the ninja turtle sitting across from me.

Shit, now I’m seeing a ninja turtle sitting across from me. Which one? God I don’t know dude, which is the one with the red bandanna? Rafael, yeah that’s it. He was a total asshole in the TV show. Like, Leonardo was all cool and he carried two huge three-foot swords on his back all the time, I mean, how bad ass is that? Then there was Donatello, I mean he had the brains, you know, he’d be able to solve all types of shit, like MacGyver or something. And then fucking Michelangelo, yeah he was the best; Always cracking jokes while he kicked Shredder’s ass. But then there was Raf, he was always so goddamn bitter, like he had one of his kitanas shoved up his ass the whole time. You know what was the best thing about that show though? They had pizza all the time.

Pizza. Holy shit does that ever sound good. We should order like, seven pizzas, just like the ninja turtles did; with anchovies and marshmallows and stuff. Yeah.

Can you tell the fridge to stop singing David Bowie songs? I’m just really uneasy right now and I wish he would just shut the fuck up. Listen, I really need to know what you put in those things though…does the room always pulsate this much? Goddamnit now the walls are bleeding again, and you know I’m the one who’s gonna have to clean that shit up come tomorrow morning.

All right fine. If you’re going to be an asshole about this, I’m gonna just fly to England and ask Keith Richards, that dude’s been on everything. Can you call my boss and tell him I won’t be back for several thousand years? Thanks.