CANADA- A study released yesterday by Health Canada reveals that being stabbed multiple times may be detrimental to your health.

Dr. Albert Farnsworth, who personally participated in the study, tabled the results yesterday afternoon at a press conference.

“It seems that in the process of being stabbed with a sharp object, such as a knife or sharpened stick, the subject’s organs may become slightly damaged,” he said. “There is however no way to know why exactly the organs become damaged in the first place, whether it is a product of the stabbing or an internal reaction to stress.”

Farnsworth says that during the course of his personal study, blood loss was his chief symptom of concern.

“The wounds produced by a sharp object, be it the sharpened edge of a candy cane or taxidermied beak of a chicken, resulted in massive blood loss from several of the subjects including myself,” said Farnsworth. “We concluded during these clinical trials that blood loss isn’t a good thing either.”

While researchers aren’t certain of all the detrimental effects of multiple stab wounds, the study concludes that Canadian citizens should avoid being stabbed until further notice.

Harold Wright, a 22-year-old participant in the study, says being stabbed repeatedly “hurt like hell.”

“I was a test subject in the broken beer bottle tests, and let me tell you, it’s not all sunshine and lollypops,” said Wright. “My left lung was somehow punctured, and I had no idea we needed both these things to breathe properly until my own blood started pooling at the bottom of my lung.”

When asked if he would recommend being stabbed multiple times Wright said: “I would have before, but after this study, probably not.”

The Community Voice


By Will Staples

Seriously dude, I just ate one of your brownies, and I’m really freaking out. My stomach is feeling all weird and stuff…wait, did you put drugs in these?

Jesus Murphy I told you to keep your special brownies in your goddamn room so that I wouldn’t eat one by accident. Now I fucking did, great. What did you put in the brownies? Pot? Hash? Mushrooms? Wait, don’t answer that, I’ll just ask the ninja turtle sitting across from me.

Shit, now I’m seeing a ninja turtle sitting across from me. Which one? God I don’t know dude, which is the one with the red bandanna? Rafael, yeah that’s it. He was a total asshole in the TV show. Like, Leonardo was all cool and he carried two huge three-foot swords on his back all the time, I mean, how bad ass is that? Then there was Donatello, I mean he had the brains, you know, he’d be able to solve all types of shit, like MacGyver or something. And then fucking Michelangelo, yeah he was the best; Always cracking jokes while he kicked Shredder’s ass. But then there was Raf, he was always so goddamn bitter, like he had one of his kitanas shoved up his ass the whole time. You know what was the best thing about that show though? They had pizza all the time.

Pizza. Holy shit does that ever sound good. We should order like, seven pizzas, just like the ninja turtles did; with anchovies and marshmallows and stuff. Yeah.

Can you tell the fridge to stop singing David Bowie songs? I’m just really uneasy right now and I wish he would just shut the fuck up. Listen, I really need to know what you put in those things though…does the room always pulsate this much? Goddamnit now the walls are bleeding again, and you know I’m the one who’s gonna have to clean that shit up come tomorrow morning.

All right fine. If you’re going to be an asshole about this, I’m gonna just fly to England and ask Keith Richards, that dude’s been on everything. Can you call my boss and tell him I won’t be back for several thousand years? Thanks.

Winnipeg- Winnipeg Fake News blogger Gaetan Harris has turned up in a city area hotel after a one and a half year hiatus. He claims to have lost "the shit" that is needed to write hilarious fake news.

"I guess somewhere down the road I just lost it," says the blogger, his speech slurred. "Must have been when I got hammered last April."


It has been widely speculated that Harris had been hiding out in a Uni-Bomber style shack in the Himalayas, playing Monopoly with the resident Yeti. Surrounded by back issues of Archie Comics, it has also been speculated he entertained the Dalai Lama regularly every Wednesday night.

"I haven't seen him in two weeks," says Mr. Lama. "He probably went back to try writing more stuff for his hilarious blog that he abandoned for eternal inner peace. That's good to hear, that stuff makes me laugh my ass off," he said.

Harris abandoned his blog in April 2006 after publishing a tear-jerkingly funny opinion piece about a businessman trying to get his morning cup of joe. After breaking into the Kokanee brewery in BC and having one hell of a party, he disappeared, leaving only a short note to his family.

"Getting the hell out of dodge," read the note. "Please send pizza pockets."

Since returning, Harris has reportedly enlisted himself in a program at Red River College, despite his drinking problem and habit of kleptomania. It has been speculated that Fake News will return now that his program requires him to write a whole hell of a lot.

Janis, get in here. Where the fuck is Susan? I sent her about 10 minutes ago to get my Guatemalan dark roast and she isn't back here yet. Is it so hard to go the shop one flight down, set my goddamn travel mug down, get it filled with coffee and get the fuck back up here?

We need to have a talk about the situation up here. You know me Janis, when I walk into this god-forsaken office every day at 8:30 I expect to see two things on my desk: The Globe and Mail for a recap of our world's current events and most importantly, my fucking coffee. You know I can't see my clients in this state. So why the fuck isn't Susan back from her epic journey to Java Tom's with my morning goddamn coffee?

And there's another thing, why the hell would they name a coffe place "Java Tom's" when "Java Joe's" is so much easier and appealing to the ear drum's palette? Even if Tom's your name, it's just common sence to put a little literary trick into your establishment's name so that people can remember it easier.

Jesus tapdancing christ, what the hell is she doing down there? Getting behind the counter with a mortar and pestle and grinding all my coffee beans by hand? Or going down to guatemala and picking the beans her own damn self? That is not her job. When I hired her as a personal assistant I wanted her to personally assist me with tasks that I need doing, like getting my motherfucking coffee. So what part of my request was confusing? I'll repeat myslef, I want a Guatemalan dark roast filter-brewed coffee with two sugars and one milk 13 fucking minutes ago.

Oh and last Monday I came to work and ate half my meatball sub for lunch, and put the rest of it in the fridge. What do you think happened to that delicacy of ground meat, four types of cheese and a zesty marinara sauce? I found it in the fucking garbage the next day among the paper shreddings. Does anyone around here know how to deal with the rest of society? Does anyone is this office have any motherfucking consideration for other people's meatball subs? It's common sense you bastards.

And what is this shit you all listen to on the radio? I get here all the time and you're always blasting this Phil-Collins-is-a-God, wish-the-eighties-were-back BOB FM bullshit. What do I have to do to get some journalistic analysis around here? If I don't hear Terry McLeod on this radio in the next ten seconds I will strangle someone. No but after this Queen song, I like this one.

And can you tell me why there is a pile of mail from three days ago sitting on my desk? The reason I get all my mail forwarded to my business address is so my assistant can open the shit for me. Throw away that Random House crap, I don't know why they keep sending me that. Don't throw that Capital One letter out! Why would you do a thing like that? Do you think that their no-hassle reward miles and low financing don't appeal to a rich guy like me? Well you're right so throw the goddamn thing out.

But we're losing sight of the common goal here: a cup of fucking Guatemalan dark goddamn roast coffee with two bitch-ass packets of brown sugar and one goddamn milk on my desk 15 minutes ago.

Now get the fuck out of here Janis, I have to call my goddamn therapist.

NEW ORLEANS, LA- On the verge of the start of hurricane season, a hungry homeless New Orleans man has made a startling discovery concerning the levees surrounding the 9th district.

"Well you see I was pokin' around them levees looking for some corpses to loot when this little paper comes a floatin' down," says 'Two Toothed Charlie', self proclaimed fairy master. "I thought it looked mighty farmiliar from my days as 'Stabby Charlie' in Florida. Then I realized, the night of the 2000 presidential election someone poured a bunch of these on top of me when I was sleepin' in a dumpster: they was Florida presidential ballots," he says. "I belive I stabbed whosever that was who put that shit on me...yep I stabbed 'im good."

In an alarming ecological twist, birds and bees have begun mating at rates that have left small children scratching their heads in disbelief.


An artist's conception of the bird-bee mating process.

"My dad came up to me the other day and started stuttering something about birds and bees and having sex," says Lucas Brown, 11. "Which really confused me because up until then I thought sex was an expression of sexual sensation and related intimacy between two people who love each other. Now I'm not sure what to think."

Sex has been known to be performed between many species of mammals, but this cross breeding between species has never been known to happen on this planet before.

"I blame the increased pollution of our atmosphere and the ensuing global warming," remarks Lisa Rempel, 7. "The tempreature increase must be severely affecting their mating rituals." Global warming has reportedly led to many side affects accross the globe, including thumb cancer and increased Elvis sightings, but never the cross-breeding of species.

The mutation of the animals to even grow genetalia is an alarming trend in itself. "All of a sudden, birds and bees have the junk to have sex? I mean, who's to blame here?" says Riley Thomas, 8. " I think we need to take a good hard look at ourselves and take a little responibilty here."


Riley Thomas.


It remains to be seen wether other animals and bugs will start mating, but scientists are on the lookout for anything suspicious.

WINNIPEG- A massive drought of fake news has hit the site as of late, and people are wondering what has happened to its famed author and editor of fake news.

"Seriously, what the fuck is up witht his guy? He makes this rockin' site and updates every fucking day for like three weeks, then he just disappears," says Tyler Buckley, avid reader and superfan of Fake News. "Like dude, WTF?"


Rumors have circulated on some internet forum sites that Gaetan Harris was last seen boarding a plane to Nepal. When asked if his trip was for business or pleasure by the airport customs agent, he simply replied, "religious". This has led fans and readers to think that Harris, 19, has gone on a spiritual journey with an experienced sherpa, or that he's gone to the Kwik-E-Mart headquarters in search of the perfect convenience store burrito. Others speculate he's there to hunt for big-game yeti.

"I know the yeti round this time are migratin' up to the summits for the winter, so he might be tryin to catch 'em in packs," said an old man in a rocking chair with a pipe. "Them there mountains is haunted by crazy yeti ghosts though, so you don't wanna be goin up there without a ghost yeti kit," he said. "So he'll either be killed instatly by a pack of yeti, or them ghost yeti'll petrify him on the spot."

There is also a distinct possibility that Harris has been binge drinking every night for the past month and four days, and is way to fucking hammered or hung over to do anything productive.

No word on wether or not he'll return soon.

CHINA- Why did the chicken cross the road? To kill a family of chinese merchants of course.

It has been reported by Asian news sources that last week a chicken from a nearby town crossed a road and entered a small merchant household, killing all 3 people within a week. Authorities have taken the chicken in for questioning, but have been running out of investigators because each and every interrogator who has attempted to speak to the chicken has come down with a case of avian flu as well.

"This chicken will stop at nothing before our whole department is dead," said chief of police Eddie Zhang. "He'll be the death of us all!"

Darwantist theorists have long speculated that the avian flu is a way to get rid of some chinese people because "there are too many damn people in that country." The country eclipsed the 1 billion mark moths ago in a highly publicized birth.

The chicken will eventually be put to death and hopefully in the United States KFC market in a couple of weeks.